Jason Holtman, who spearheaded Valve’s Steam business for eight years before leaving the company in February, has a new job at Microsoft, where’s he’s apparently going teach Microsoft not to hate and fear PC gaming. When asked, he is reported to have said “It was down to a tough call between going to EA or Microsoft. When you have to choose between evil or stupid, it’s never easy.”

Witnesses claim he then began to giggle and mumble, before asking “Have you ever been driving down the road and had an almost irresistible urge to swerve into oncoming traffic?” and terminating the interview.

Games for Windows Dead

News, The Bucket

In an inspiring announcement from a massive gaming corporation, it was revealed that a large chunk of fuck was youed. Many respected analysts opined ‘fuck,’ although some also followed up with ‘you’.

Expectations were stated that a veritable Blizzard of fucks would ensue, distracting dimwits from the irony of dumbass manipulative game-company names like Activision and Vivendi, to the advantage of a gaggle of the Investing Class who wouldn’t know a video game from a goddamned bus ticket.

Activision-Blizzard executive old-fuck wunderkind Bobby Kotick explained ‘Wheee! Money!’

In related news, the usual cadre of fast-talking asshole Business Scumbags were expected to make ludicrous amounts of money on the backs of sweatshop-labor coders, designers, and artists. Film at fucking 11.

A Blizzard of Fucks