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Stewie Griffin Designs A Multiplayer Service

by Niteowl
Features, Games and Gaming

Ah yes. Gaaaming. One could hardly think of an area more ripe for exploitation. Pasty-faced youths living in their parent’s basements avoiding all contact with the outside world.

Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad if ‘outside world’ includes mothers. Hm.

In any case, now they want to play with each other? Maybe some sort of Lord of the Flies scenario where they’ll find out who is the pastiest of them all, I suspect.  Imagine, Rupert, an island full of Piggys.

I’ll design a system that’s ostensibly there to bring them together; but in fact, will keep them apart through a Machiavellian set of measures, each one more nefarious than the next, all to illustrate how terribly alone they are. After all, if they get together, they might start networking, or, heaven forbid, decide to bend their bookish talents to actual world domination instead of some imaginary place filled with Orcs and unseemly dressed women.

*shudder*

It’ll be difficult, of course. Network gaming has been around for years. It’s about as reliable as a phonograph, or the Ford Motor Car Company. How could I make it less so?

We’ll have a ‘friends’ system, of course, I’ll have to call it that. “Fellow Shut-Ins With a Wide Array Of Oddly Shaped Dice” would hardly fit on the screen, would it Rupert? I’ll make the entire thing take several minutes to actually add a friend, to start. Then we’ll arbitrarily drop those friends they’ve just added. A digital version of musical chaairs, just think, except the only thing you win is more loneliness.

After they’ve finally gotten their friends to stick, I’ll have to put in some way to arbitrarily decide if they can actually see their friends online. I’ll make Nerd A offline to Nerd B, who sees Nerd A as online.

Oh. This is marvellous.

Don’t ask me that, of course it’s none of your business and I do mind you asking. I’m taking a break from Lois and the ending of her life. She’s gotten a bit drab hasn’t she? Hardly the jailer of my erstwhile ovarian Bastille that I remember. No, it’s not because it’s her birthday. How dare you accuse me of such things. I will end her. I could end her right now if wanted. Matricide is a long and noble tradition.

But this system I’m going to set up. Oh. Oh, it’s so much more eeeeviiil, don’t you think?

Niteowl

has written 12 FGEC articles.

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7 thoughts on “Stewie Griffin Designs A Multiplayer Service

  1. Man, damn do I hate gamespy. Hate it. No amount of venom is too much.

    Also: I love the “voices of” series. I suspect you could write a normal entry then take away all the periods to get Walken. I think that’s how he reads scripts anyway.

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