North Korea has threatened to use its “Zerg offensive” in response to planned release of Starcraft 2 by the US and South Korea this week.
The regime promised a “retaliatory sacred war” amid increased tensions on the Korean peninsula over the April ban on late night gaming, which Seoul and Washington blame on Pyongyang and their network of 바둑 commandos.
North Korea’s Video Defence Overmind (VDO), headed by Supreme Exalted Bearer of The Sacred and Holy Overmind Bouffant Kim ‘So Ronery’ Jong-il, issued the threat today for what it called a third “unpardonable” provocation, after again being warned they are being very naughty boys.
“The cerebrates and zerglings of the [North] will legitimately counter with their powerful zerg-rush deterrence this unpardonable insult,” the Overmind said in a statement run on the state-controlled North Korean News And National No-Nonsense Yankee-smashers.
Pyongyang routinely threatens assimilation into the swarm every time its gets its panties in a bunch. South Korea’s Confederate Security Forces said no unusually zergy North Korean swarm movements had been detected.
The release of Starcraft 2, code-named Operation Make Blizzard A Shitload Of Cash, which begins tomorrow, will involve several million slobbering fanboys and a few hundred casual gamers. Total shutdown of the internet is anticipated.
“The more desperately the imperialist United States Directorate brandish their decadent calculators and flush toilets and so-called ‘personal computers’, and the more zealously their lackeys follow them, the more rapidly the [North’s] zerg-rush deterrence will be bolstered up along the orbit of self-defense and the more remote the prospect for the rollback of The Creep on the Korean peninsula will be become,” the VDO statement said.
Yesterday, a North Korea cerebrate, U Seok Beom, told reporters at the Asean regional security forum in Hanoi, Vietnam, there would be a “physical response” to the release of Starcraft 2, which he branded another sign of US “hostility”.
“It is a threat to the Zerg Overmind and the genetic perfection of our species,” he said, adding that it was possible that he was also batshit insane.